Ten Ways to Stop Being a Writer

Written on 30 June 2022.

Get sick. Isolate from your family for fear you finally succumbed to Covid. Take three tests, all negative. Deal with a raging sore throat and body aches. Listen to the laughter of your kids and husband behind your bedroom door; smile when they come in to do a check-up on you. Think about all the writing you could be doing if your head was clearer, and then take a nap.
Check on the garden and see your plants drooping. Grab the hose and give the plants a good soaking. See that there are weeds. Everywhere. Start picking them one by one.
Think about the book you want to write and do Amazon searches of all the books similar to yours. Read the summaries and reviews and shake your head in disbelief that you could write anything as good or deserving to be read.
Start a book club. Join a trivia team. Realize you need names for all these new adventures so do a deep dive google search for creative names (Let’s Get Quizzical, The Quizzard of Oz, Wines and Spines, Google Geeks, I am Smarticus, On the Same Page).
Check your email. Check Slack. Check Facebook and Instagram. Repeat.
Realize you haven’t meal planned all summer. Grab your 1Canoe2 Meal Plan Notepad and all your favorite cookbooks. Sit down with your fancy pens and plan for the entire month.
Remember the pool is open and your kids haven’t stopped asking if you can go to the pool today. Pack snacks, floaties, sunscreen, towels, and money for hot dogs and popsicles. Hop on the golf cart and spend the afternoon at the pool.
Lament the fact that your summer wardrobe consists solely of old college t-shirts and yoga pants. Search the web for casual summer vibe clothes and open 15 + tabs with possible options. Decide you’re not in the mood to shop and close all said tabs. Go back to wearing your college campus ministry shirt and call it a day.
Read through all your old journals.
Turn on your laptop. See that you need an update for the latest version. Again! (Didn’t you just do this?) Sigh. Proceed to shut the computer and forget about the update. Go pack for the pool.

And one more for good measure: Remember you made a goal to take 40 hikes before your 40th birthday. Look at the calendar and see you have less than two months before August 25th. You’ve walked 20 hikes so far. Get up and take a hike.

Inspired by Daien Guo, and my writer friends Ashlee Gadd + Katie Blackburn + Jenna Brack and Stacy Bronec.